What I struggle with.

I would say when I got close to my teenage years I started to suffer with some things and I wasn’t sure of what they were. But come to find out I have a chemical imbalance in my body, I suffer from depression and anxiety, my mood will flip within minutes unintentionally. Now when this happens I have coped to deal with it and manage it but sometimes it is extremely hard if there are other stressful events going on or even nothing going on at all.

Now why am I writing this? This is random right? Well yesterday I was in a huge funk, and I have been for maybe a week now. And last night I figured it out, my body is unbalanced right now and it sucks because I have been distant from people and my social life. I take forever to reply or don’t reply at all or I’ll be very vague. I always apologize because I don’t do this on purpose of course but it’s no fun going through the random changes that happen with my mood. Now one might say why not take medication to manage it? I used to be on 6 different medications when I was younger and as I got older I found out I had been misdiagnosed and re-diagnosed so many times that I was tired of the meds. I learned to manage my disorder through writing, music, talking about it to someone whom I care about. But there are those times where it gets bad, there will always be times like that but the medications made me feel like I was different, some could say well it rebalances you so it makes you “normal” , well maybe I don’t want to be “normal”. I want to be me, me before all the meds, me that has her flaws but is a compassionate and empathetic individual. I’m happy without the meds, no matter how contradicting it may sound. I’m happy with being flawed. I’m happy with being me. But I know I will always hate having these disorders, it’s not fun and sometimes I just need a hug to feel a little bit better. I will always keep a positive outlook on life for I have come far and I have even farther to go.

Now….

What do you struggle with? How do you manage?

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What I struggle with.

Almost 1!

Well for those who have been following Auroras growth she turns 1 next month! The big 1, I can’t believe it’s already been a year. Kids do truly grow up to fast but I’m enjoying every second.

So for the update of her, she can wave hi and bye while saying hi, she points at things, is learning yes and no. She is still learning to crawl up on the couch and figured out if she goes on my side of the bed it’s easier to climb on the bed frame to get up. I’m teaching her things everyday and she picks it up really fast, her walking probably just as fast. She walks everywhere and it’s so much fun. And the best part of her growth she has two teeth coming through! One half way there and the other broke through yesterday!

I started planning her birthday last month, super early I know but completely necessary because I don’t want May to come and having to be rushing to finish everything and order everything. The day of I want to get up, get us ready and finish the few things we need too. I asked Twitter a week or so ago about how much they spent on their kids parties and we’re spending almost the same amount. Kids are expensive but it’s her first birthday, our rainbow babies birthday so it’s worth it. I cannot wait until the day of, I know I’ll cry because she’s not a baby anymore. Our tiny itty bitty baby.

Almost 1!

9 months old!

Continuing to grow and grow. She’s almost walking and has the best personality. She loves playing with her dogs and dancing. She can wave and clap. She hates peas and loves spaghetti and the funniest thing she does is shake her head no. She’s so interactive now and we love it, 2 months or so until her first birthday and I don’t know how I feel about it, I feel like I just had her.

9 months old!

Cosleeping to Crib.

Tonight is the first night I start crib training. I have slept next to our baby girl for over 8 months now and I know some parents are like finally I have the bed back!

Me? I’m like can I do this? It’s not like she’s never gonna sleep with me again but constant baby cuddles every night, I live for it. I love it. That’s my baby girl. I know she can’t sleep with us forever but I’m trying to enjoy her younger years while I can because I know they go by so fast.

Let’s see how our first night goes.

Cosleeping to Crib.

Eight months old!

Another month has gone by full of growth and love. She has started to say mama, and yes hey whenever someone isn’t paying attention to her. She loves to dance and listen to music. She walks with her walker and around anything she can get ahold of. And oh my gosh whenever her dad comes home from work there’s so much excitement she almost runs to the door. I still can’t get over how we’ve created someone so happy, pure and full of life. Sweet Aurora Ann, I feel your first steps coming soon. And we’re still waiting on those teeth to come in. We love you crazy girl.

Eight months old!

No rest but today I did.

I want to thank CJay for today usually he’s the one resting and I usually don’t nap and take a day to relax but today I got to. I went into Auroras room pulled the bed out and took a nap for almost 5 hours. I can’t remember the last time I took a nap. And all while he was in our room with Aurora. For those of you who know CJay works almost everyday 8-10 hour shifts sometimes so he’s not home as much and when he is he’s resting which is understandable. He eventually came and woke me up and I asked what they did for so long, he’s replied with “We watched cartoons, she took a little nap, I fed her and changed her, played with her toys. But when she took a nap it was almost like you were at work because then I had no one to play with or talk to. It was fun and I loved it.”

I don’t have days off, I don’t get a lot of sleep and most days I’m running on 6 hours of sleep. Starting the day between 8/9 and going to bed sometimes at 2 in the morning because that’s the time where it’s quiet and I have time for myself.

Today I got rest and he got to experience kinda what I do everyday. It was nice and that’s why I can’t wait to get married to this amazing pain in the butt and have more of his babies.

Many moms I know just as I experience being awake and running on little to know sleep. And I truly feel people believe we have superpowers and do not need a day to ourselves or even time to take a nap. But we do, we have to take care of ourselves to take care of our babies and others, we have to be healthy and aware. And it doesn’t even need to be everyday, even an hour makes a difference, whether it us taking a shower, being able to eat a full meal without sharing or letting it get cold, playing our favorite game or having time to text our friends back, or even sleep.

So father’s, mothers, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, WHOMEVER don’t forget about us, we know you work hard and know you’re just as tired but we are too. We need help too, to you it might seem as if we can do everything by ourselves and I’m sure if we didn’t have an option to we would. But remember before we had this beautiful soul we were people to, we got to sleep in, go to a job and interact with people, go shopping and spend our money on only us but we don’t have the luxury to do that now. So when you have time tell us that you appreciate us, appreciate us making sacrifices, appreciate us being so strong and amazing. And most of all how much you love us for everything we do because most of us are also taking care of you as well, making your lunch, scratching your back, etc, let us have a day to ourselves next time you’re off. Because this life is 50/50 not 80/20 or even 100/0, we’re a team. And we need breaks too.

No rest but today I did.

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018!

2017 was a crazy, exciting, emotional, eventful, fulfilling year not only for me but CJay as well. I started 2017 anxious to announce my pregnancy already 4 1/2 months in with our beautiful girl Aurora Ann. I was nervous all the way until May, I was going to doctors appointments every week, twice a week, having tests done and ultrasounds to make sure she was still healthy and alive. All while working full time 5 days a week at Panera Bread, getting up at 6/7/8 in the morning and not leaving until 3/4 sometimes pulling doubles. We had to get our car fixed because we got into an accident and it made it not drivable for almost 2 months.

I was still dealing with family problems and many emotions with my dad not wanting anything to do with my pregnancy and my mom not being able to be apart of it all. Then May came around and I gave birth to the love and light of our lives.

We’ve experienced every milestone, every event, every holiday with our baby girl and we’re so blessed.

My parents got divorced. I cannot tell you how much of a toll that took on me. Being able to comprehend your parents not being together at an older age isn’t oh I understand, it broke my heart. We’re not young anymore, I thought my parents would be together forever. My mother officially came back into my life towards the end of the year. And I’m so happy she’s been able to be apart of not only my life but Auroras. It was hard not having my mom apart of my pregnancy, the baby shower and her birth. Not being able to tell her everyday what was new and what I was scared of and updates. But now she’s here. And I’m so happy. I see her almost everyday and I love being able to reconnect with her.

As the year came to an end Aurora was going into 2018, 7 months old, crawling, standing and pulling up on everything, falling, talking, eating and loving life.

CJay and I have grown stronger as a couple and as a family as well. He annoys me and makes me mad, we have disagreements but at the end of the day we love each other. We can be arguing and one of us will have to make the other one laugh because we can’t stand the bad tension. We’re not perfect but we’re perfect in our own way.

I can’t wait to see what 2018 has in store for us. I know it’s gonna be exciting, birthdays, holidays, continued growth. Thank you for everyone who has stuck by our side, who loves us and our family just the way it is. No matter what hardships you face, no matter how much heartache and sadness you may feel, even if you don’t accomplish what you have set, you will and can. Don’t give up. There’s always a better tomorrow. Happy New Year, I hope your year has many blessings and brings you joy.

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018!